Winter – Depression & Crohns rear their Collective Heads

Standard

Winter has always been rough for me. My depression and anxiety tend to get worse, usually from late December until spring. Usually my Crohns Disease acts up (my anxiety levels up my symptoms) as well. However, I tend to look at it like this: There’s no better time to be sick and depressed than winter. Why? Because fuck the cold and snow, that’s why.

It’s not big deal though, although I hope my (few) friends understand why I’ve been so distant lately. Sometimes it is just hard to push through the brain fog. So for now, I’ll remain cuddled up on my couch with my books and Reddit.

Life other than all of that is alright.

The kid is doing fantastic, she’s not the biggest fan of school this year, but she’s doing great. She’s got one hell of a personality now, she’s like my little punk rocker. She’s super open minded and accepting of others, and thanks to the current political climate has a firm dislike of racists and nazi-scum. She asked me to give her an undercut the other day, so now she has the underside of her ponytail buzzed and the bottom 4″ of her hair is sea green/blue. She is definitely something else, and despite the daily video calls with her other little gremlin friends, I am indefinitely proud of her.

The boyfriend has been job hopping. Trying to find one that is a good fit for him, might as well take advantage of the interviews and look for a great position and company to work for. Things are going great with us, so nothing new there.

Our Animal House has been good too. Vader (our neighbor’s old cat) has settled into the house fantastically. Smudge is still not too fond of him, but they get along. I do have to say that I love Vader dearly. He is such a sweetheart, I couldn’t ever imagine losing him even though he hasn’t been here nearly as long as Smudge or Thumbs.

Things calmed down with Jon’s ex. That’s something I’m glad is basically over. She had denied him visitation over the summer (I guess she got angry that we questioned her parenting choices and called her bluff on abandoning her daughter at our house). So we took her to court, and her lawyers basically told her to go kick rocks and give us our visitation, do half the driving and let Jon in on all decisions. Unfortunately Jon is still stuck paying for the son that is not biologically his (Ex cheated on him, got pregnant, tried to pin it on Jon) as Pennsylvania will not cancel child support, despite paternity unless another man takes his place. Unfortunately they do not require her to work, so she’s still living off of CS & Welfare. Alas. Just like with my daughters dad NOT paying child support, EVER.. we are completely okay with the kids knowing who does what for them, and seeing us as examples. Neither of us will bad mouth our exes in front of our children, but we also don’t lie.

As for me? I’m still on hiatus from work. I’ve interviewed with a few places over the phone, and turned down several in person interviews. I’m not sure what my plan is for right now, but our situation works for us and I’m enjoying finally being able to spend (forced) time with the kiddo even if she’s at the age where she’s not so keen on it. Ha.

As the months drag on, I still do not regret quitting my last job. I’m reminded almost daily by Timehop showing me the posts about how miserable I was from the last 8 years. I may have my normal depression and anxiety, but I am no longer having daily anxiety attacks about going into that toxic environment. I hear from old coworkers and work contacts every once in a while, and it seems like it hasn’t gotten much better beyond a crackdown. All I can say there folks is I learned a life lesson, one that I’ve drilled into Jon (as he walked from one recently in order to take another higher position) and one that I’m teaching my daughter. Work is work, don’t let them destroy you and your health, because at the end of the day, you are expendable. No job is worth being miserable. Not even one you devoted the better part of your 20’s and early 30’s to it.

So beyond all that rambling, hey. At least I’m writing again. I have been slowly working myself into writing again. Even if it’s just free writing a few sentences a day. I’ve just got to get into the habit. Writing is the easiest way to clear my mind and lift my mood.

On that note. I’m off to eat some chocolate and cuddle with the pupper.

Advertisements

Is it Summer yet?

Standard

I am home from the hospital, and currently relaxing on the couch with my two mutts, little one all tucked in for the night. I missed her quite a bit, even though I was only technically in the hospital for 3 days… she on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed her vacation from Mommy. ¬†Usually if I have to go into the hospital she either goes with my Dad (where she is spoiled rotten) or she goes to one of her old teacher’s houses (a friend of mine who works at her daycare… who also spoils her rotten I’m convinced). When I got home I warned my friend, we’re chopped liver when she’s around, and to have fun prying her out of your house. Sure enough, she was a bit upset that her fun was over, but I got a super big hug and a kiss when she walked in the door.

Oddly enough, this little hospitalization timed itself perfectly as the munchkin’s got a bit of a head-cold and wouldn’t have been able to go to daycare anyway (spring break up here in the mid-west. So we got to spend the day lounging together and relaxing, with both of us asking each other how we’re feeling and if we the other needed anything. ¬†Honestly, it was quite cute. ¬†I don’t know what I’d do without my little minion, she’s one of a handful of things that keeps me moving, even when I don’t feel well or am down in the dumps. ¬†Between her, the boyfriend, and all the pets, I get cuddles whenever I want and love, more than I can handle.

Sometimes though, it’s hard not to get down in the dumps. Especially in the winter, well, I guess now “Spring”. Lately in the mid-west, Spring has been colder than usual, so if you’re someone like me who gets the so-called “Winter Blues”, this time of year is wretched. Where we’ll get one warm day and then snow. ¬†For instance, we already broke 70 degrees, and then it snowed about a week later. I’m definitely counting down until it starts to warm up. Hopefully my mood will improve on it’s own then.

Definitely looking forward to late Spring and Summer this year. We have a lot planned, from trips to the lake house, to farmer’s markets and such. The last few years were really busy, last summer especially with my working insane amounts of hours, both in the office and out. I feel like I missed out on a year, so I’m making sure that doesn’t happen again. The Short One has already been able to go roller skating outside and to ride her bike (she’s still doing great on it, although she still takes the occasional spill – the boyfriend taught her last summer) so pretty much anytime it’s warm enough to unzip your jacket just a tiiiiny bit, she’s asking to go outside. We can’t wait.

I know I’m probably looking at some health issues this summer, but hopefully we’ll be able to plan them out (surgery?) since Grandpa wants to take her if I do go in so they can do something fun together. To be completely honest though? I’m just looking forward to the kids all playing in the backyard and relaxing on the deck. Come on Summer! Get here already!

Knit Hats and Warm Scarves

Standard

Growing up in the Midwest, I swore that I was going to move somewhere with out winter… every winter of my childhood. ¬†I’m not a fan of cold or of the snow, so playing outside and building snow forts and lopsided snowmen did not intrigue me in the least. ¬†Once Halloween rolled around, I started to count down the days until Spring and Summer.

I’m 28 years old now, will be 29 this spring. ¬†Over say the last 5-6 years, I’ve grown to appreciate the Winter. ¬†I still don’t look forward to driving in snow storms, or power outages and black ice, but snow? Yes. ¬†Wearing my favorite winter jackets, my handmade scarves and hats? ¬†Hell to the yes. ¬†I look forward to warm fires up at the lake house, watching my daughter (who unlike myself, likes to play in the snow) run around like a maniac in the fresh powder. ¬†I look forward to hot tea by the window watching snow fall, and maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll see a few cardinals out in the trees.

Winter’s not so bad. ¬†Even when I start to get tired of it, say in late February or early March, it’s a good reminder that spring is coming. ¬†Winter breaks up the monotony. ¬†I get a couple months to look forward to planting in our garden, summer cook outs and fresh corn on the cob. ¬†I get to alternate from iced coffee on my back deck to hot tea under a fuzzy blanket. ¬†I get to switch from my broken down flip flops to my knee high comfy boots.

So apparently there is some huge winter storm bearing down on us tonight. ¬†Depending on what weather report you read, we’re supposed to get anywhere from 5-10″ of snow, and we’re under a Winter Storm Warning until Sunday night. ¬†Judging by the response from my other Midwestern friends on social media, you’d think this was the end of the world and snow is actually made of shredded dreams and broken hopes. ¬†Shit. ¬†I may be the only one excited.

I’m not sure if I’ll be home for the snow storm or not, I’m currently in the hospital for my Crohns Disease, but I’m crossing my fingers! ¬†I am excited for the first big storm of the year, I want to watch my daughter play in the snow, and curl up in my own bed to watch the snow fall. ¬†Even if I’m wait out the storm here, connected to my IV, I can guarantee I’ll weasel some hot chocolate out of someone here so I can still sit by the window.

We might as well enjoy the snow, as of now [thanks global warming] it’s only here for a few months out of the year. ¬†So let’s watch the snow fall, and relax. ¬†Spring is only a couple months away.

Holiday Blues and a Fuck You!

Standard

Fuck you, I’m not going to be sad this Christmas.¬† I’m not.¬† I’m not going to be depressed, I’m not going to battle the holiday blues.¬† Hello Christmas, it’s your friendly neighborhood atheist, and I’m full of Christmas cheer.¬† Most of the time, I get kind of depressed during the holiday season.¬† Not this year!¬† This is a big Fuck Off to Holiday Blues.

Usually around Christmas I miss people.¬† I miss my mother, my last happy memories of her were around Christmas.¬† She died in January, so usually I get real wrapped up in the last Christmas we had together.¬† I miss my friends I’ve lost, all suicides and all in the fall/holiday season.¬† Even as I would try to enjoy what I have now, I would get sucked into the past and sucked down into depression.

Not this year.¬† It’s not happening.¬† I’ve spent a lot of years mourning, and while there were happy moments over the years, I spent too much of my time in a funk.¬† This year is different.¬† While I’m still remembering those whom I have lost, I’m refusing to dwell on it.¬† There’s too much to celebrate this year, there is too much to enjoy and I refuse to dwell on people who are no longer here, and focus on the loved ones I do have.

I am excited for this year, I’m excited to give everyone their gifts, I’m jumping out of my skin.¬† I can’t wait until Christmas morning so Nood can open her gifts!¬† I think I’m more excited than she is!¬† Hell, I’m just excited to hang out with my kid all week.¬† I took this week off of work (by accident really, I needed to use up my vacation time… I’d rather take time off in the summer so we can do outdoors stuff), so I have 7 more days to spend with my monkey.¬† Then, of course we have New Years coming up.¬† I don’t have many resolutions (just to quit smoking), I’m just looking forward to starting the year off on the right foot.

So depression, this is my farewell.  I have plenty of winter to deal with you, just not right now.  Fuck you Holiday Blues, and Happy Holidays to everyone!

The Winter Blues

Standard

It seems like Winter will never end some years. Then other years, like this one, winter never seems to even get going.¬† These past few months make it seem like Mother Nature just can’t make up her mind. We got our first snow really late, then it warmed up and melted, rinse and repeat a few times.

So now, at the end of February, its sunny and over 40 degrees outside. Everything is melting again and it smells like spring. Yet tomorrow we’re due another snow storm with up to 6 inches of snow. Im sure it’ll warm up again and it’ll all melt… again.

It’s slightly aggravating.¬† Especially for someone like me who tends to get a bit depressed during the winter months.¬† Thankfully there is more daylight now and better yet we’re comimg up on daylight savings time again.¬† So there’s that… but Christ, could the snow just melt and stay melted already?¬† Its like nature’s version of a cock tease… and I’m getting the feeling shes not going to put out.

All I know is that I’d rather be shopping for my flowers than dreading shoveling snow again.

The Down and Dirty: Chronic Illness and Depression

Standard

Having a Chronic Illness is a full time job. ¬†You devote all of your time to it whether you realize it or not. ¬† You could be at work and there it is right behind your shoulder, wrapping presents and it’s in your head. ¬†You could be cuddling your sick child, and still, it’s right there. ¬†Like I said, it’s a full time job.

Luckily for me my disease is almost in remission, my Crohns isn’t as active as it has been in the past. ¬†The inflammation is centered mostly around a Fistula, so the majority of my pain is a result of that. ¬†I’m lucky to not be spending my days in the bathroom anymore, and I can usually maintain a healthy weight.

However, because of that, the fact that I’m not stuck in the bathroom all day anymore I feel like I don’t have the right to talk about how much I hurt because I’ve been so much worse. ¬†I feel like I should just shut up about it, and as usual I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it (short of my fellow Crohnies on Twitter). ¬†I feel like people will look at me and think I’m making too much of a big deal about it.

Frankly? ¬†I’m exhausted. ¬†I’m tired of my joints hurting to the point of creating a limp,¬†prohibiting¬†me from doing the things I want to. ¬†I’m tired of the exhaustion, I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. ¬†I’m tired of all of it. ¬†I am. ¬†This stupid body of mine is making it impossible to be the Mom I want to be, the girlfriend the boy deserves, and the friend people expect. ¬†Now that I have an every-day-run-of-the-mill-cold, I’m so wiped out I want to cry.

I’m here on lunch damn near in tears.

Welp folks, guess what. ¬†I’m overwhelmed. ¬†I’m stressed. ¬†I’m sick.

I’m depressed.

I have been for a few weeks now.  Hence the lack of writing lately.

I typically get a touch of seasonal depression anyways so I was trying to wait it out, but it’s not that.

So now the question is, what do I do?

I don’t have insurance, so therapy is out, much more tailored therapy. ¬†I don’t know. ¬†All I do know is that I feel like crap. ¬†My body hurts. ¬†I want to go home and go to bed.

I just threw a spatula at my dog.

Standard

Today is going to be a great day.¬† I can just tell.¬† I’ve been trying to kill people through my computer screen all morning, and, 2 hours after waking up, finally was calm enough to post a status on facebook.
You know.¬† One that’s cute and funny, and slightly witty, so I don’t seem like as big of a bitch as I feel right now.

Half of my male readers just shook their head and thought “Pmsing much Sarah?”
The other half?¬† “Ha, people think she’s Pmsing.¬† Nope, she’s just a bitch”.
Thanks guys.¬† I appreciate it.¬† Just be glad I can’t reach you through this screen.¬†¬† Because I totally would.

Today my coffee intake is high.¬† I think I’ve crossed the line.

It’s like this:

or +Meth

It’s going to be an interesting day.¬† The Violence is Caffeinated in this one.

So.¬† I’m standing at my side window.¬† Watching my dogs obnoxiously roll in the snow/mud that is my “driveway”.¬† It’s great.¬† You know, I live for mopping and all, so why not?¬† Lets turn my house into a mudbath?!¬† DO IT.¬† So, I’m standing there.¬† Kind of twitching as my dog Star eats something resembling her own shit and all of a sudden… the tarp covering my lawn mower twitches.¬† Twitches.¬† Just like me.¬† Did I just see that?

Well apparently I did.¬† It wasn’t an caffeine induced hallucination.¬† Lily saw it too.¬† Then Star.

Then it’s like watching the Discovery Channel.¬† Both dogs get real low to the ground.¬† Tails straight back, Hair raised.¬† I watch the tarp.¬† If it’s a possum… ew.¬† I’ll let the girls have it.¬† But then.

Then.¬† I see a nose.¬† A cute furry nose, which if you didn’t know, possum’s do NOT have cute noses.¬† Then whiskers poke out.¬† OMG IT’S A BUNNY.

Here is where you see I’m a bit off.¬† Instead of going outside, or opening my windows.¬† I grab a spatula.¬† A fucking spatula.¬† I open the back door.¬† I watch my dogs stalk the bunny for¬† minute.¬† THEN FLING THE SPATULA AT THEM.

For your information.¬† It was a plastic spatula.¬† One that wouldn’t hurt my dogs.¬† Or one that I wouldn’t miss when I’m cooking.¬† Because that’s important too.

Both dogs yelp as if they’re under attack.¬† And bolt straight under my legs and back in the crate.¬† I watch as said bunny pokes his nose out.¬† And then comes completely out after realizing it’s safe. I shut the door and wish I had rabbit for rabbit stew.

Yes. My big bad pit mixes just got scared by a bunny and a spatula.

It’s one of those mornings.

And I haven’t retrieved my spatula.

And I made a fresh pot of coffee.