A Splash of Bitchiness


It’s another glorious morning where I woke up earlier than I planned and could not get back to sleep.  It’s one of the most frustrating things for me, I feel constantly fatigued, yet I can’t seem to sleep enough or sleep through the time I wake during the week.  All of which leads to a solid hour of me being grumpy and refusing to do anything short of hovering over my coffee.

I think whether or not I’m a morning person depends on the seasons.  If it’s spring or summer, I don’t mind waking up at the crack of dawn.  “It’s nice out!  Everyone’s sleeping, so why not go read a book on the deck with a cup of coffee?”  Winter?  “Oh, everyone’s still asleep… I can wake up and stay inside… again.”  No thanks.  I’m just tired of the cold weather, I’m tired of being cooped up inside with a kid and two dogs who have been saving all their energy for MONTHS.  I think we’re all going to explode if the weather doesn’t improve here, hell, I’ve decided I’m going to move to somewhere south if it snows on my birthday this year.

Blech.  By the way, if you’re not adding a tone of disdain and annoyance to this entry, you’re reading it wrong.

Moving on.  I’m feeling a bit better.  I can eat pretty much normally now even though I will now be avoiding the majority of raw veggies and anything with a lot of fatty content and such.  Must prevent more obstructions – if I’m going to be obstructed, it’ll be because my body hates me, not because I ate nothing but salad for 2 days.  Oy.  I’m glad to be up and running again, though I am putting extra effort into not thinking about my medications too much.  I’m still not pleased about going back on 6mp, but I don’t want to lose Remicade.  If I can milk it for all it’s worth, then I guess it’s worth a shot.  I’m making a solid attempt at keeping my stress levels down as well, although that’s proving quite hard with work.  Nothing like a 12 hour day to ratchet up that blood pressure!

I’ve spent the last few days basically reassessing my day to day activities.  I’m slowing making little changes here and there that I think could help my stress levels.  Just little things, like pulling out clothes the night before, pre-packing lunches and taking time to just breathe and calm my head down.  Diets changing of course, on top of removing the Not-Crohns-Friendly things, I’m eliminating a lot of other crap.  This winter I feel into a cycle of convenience, gone were a good chuck of “from scratch” meals and healthy snacks.  It is so much easier to just eat a meal out of a box and open a bag of chips.  I know that has a lot to do with me feeling like crap, so back to it we go.  (Which re-routes my thinking to – I can’t wait to plant the garden this year – to – GOD DAMNIT ITS STILL WINTER!!) So far though I’ve noticed my body responding better after just a few days, so I’m going to keep on trucking down this “no processed foods” road and see how it works.


In the real world though, I need to shower and get some chores done.  Not to mention my coffee cup is empty.  Have a great Saturday everyone.


Frustration and Cold Coffee


Something has been itching in my brain these past few weeks.  It’s been making me feel restless and frustrated, and while having a brain-eating-worm might not be so much fun, at least there’d be a direct reason.  It’s most likely just the changing seasons.  You know, the warm days and chilly nights?  The beginning of fall/end of summer always seem to make me feel… like I said, itchy.  Twitchy.  Something.


Little Noodle is now officially a 1st grader.  My little girl rides the school bus, has recess and brings homework back in her new little backpack.  She seems to be having a lot of fun, and according to the email I received from her teach today, she’s doing great.  I’m definitely proud of her, and happy for her as well as a bit in shock.  When the hell did she turn 6?  When the hell did she become old enough for school (she was in private Kinder, it just didn’t hit home as much as now)?  Ahhh, the years of diaper changing and bottle washing are behind me… just like potty training.  There are many more years to enjoy, but I have a strong feeling that the other parents are right.  These years are just going to fly by.


So maybe that’s it.  Maybe it’s that I’m coming to the realization that my kid is not only growing up, but growing up quickly.


Work has been frustrating me, which is nothing entirely new.  The last couple months have had me wanting to tear my own hair out… or quit.  I still love my job, quite a bit actually.  I enjoy doing what I’m actually supposed to be doing, but lately it’s just been irritating to no end.  It seems like I end up picking up a lot of the slack, and while I admit I’m good at it, that doesn’t mean I want to do it.  It’s been hard lately, we have such a good team, but it still gets mucked up.  Just like I predicted, the office/shop seem to be spontaneously combusting.  I called it, I called it 8 weeks ago.  Hell, I even raised the warning flags to both my higher ups, but it’s still combusting at will.  The sad part is, is that I’m actually getting worn down.  It’s not that I can’t handle my job, because I most definitely can, but that combined with cleaning up after someone else’s mistakes, I’m making mistakes.  To know that someone else makes a good salary and bonuses, doing the literal job I wanted (since management removed the *one* thing I didn’t want to do) and manages to mess up enough to create twice the work for me pisses me off.

I guess the what *really* frustrates me about work, isn’t really all I just puked out above.  It’s that I’ve gone to management twice each now and nothing has changed.  It’s that I *know* other people have brought up problems, and no resolution has come about.  More importantly?  It’s that I swallowed all of my smart retorts, I did all the extra work, I smiled and taught/re-taught/re-re-taught when needed.  It’s that I did *MY* job for a whole two weeks and trusted someone else to take care of things and all I got out of it where a shit-ton of mistakes, pissed off stores and customers.  I had 2 weeks of glory, of only doing what I was supposed to be doing instead of fixing shiznit and double checking.  I figured sink or swim.  Well, that someone else sank but didn’t drown and now I’m stressed again.

I talked to my parents about this, and while my lovely step-ma agreed with me and came up with some wonderful ideas… I think my pops may have it more right.  “You can love a job, but it doesn’t matter, eventually you get a boss who is a moron screws up everything…and no one will listen.”  So while I’m valuing my step-ma’s advice (and actually putting some of it in motion), I’m heeding what my Dad had to say and keeping my options open. I’m glad I have a job, a job that deep down I love, but that doesn’t mean I am going to sit back and enjoy someone else running each day into the ground.


So that might be it too.  I get a headache just thinking about it.


Life at home is good though, thankfully.  I think I’d lose my mind otherwise.  Ryan and I hit our 2 year mark sometime last month (no, neither of us remember the date) and… well.. life is happy.  The house is shaping up and so is the yard, and my house is most definitely feeling like a home… like my sanctuary.  It’s amazing the difference in just living somewhere and living somewhere you have made into a home.  It’s one of the best feelings there is.  I’m very grateful that if I have a crappy day at work or anything negative for that matter, that I can come home and feel relieved.  I can kiss the boyfriend, pet the cat and dogs and snuggle my kid.  The kiddo is finally happy too, especially now that her bio-dad stopped popping in with random phone calls.   It sounds cold, but after another 5 months of not hearing from him, not a single peep about him from my kid, and seeing her smile and laugh, I am thrilled.  When he was calling before, her behaviour was rough and emotions crazy.  Now that it’s back to normal, she’s her happy self again!  I’m really hoping he realized how much he was hurting her before, because it was intense.  I was miffed when I found out this whole time he’s been out in CO, he’s actually been running around getting married and having another kid ( I mean, christ, he doesn’t pay for his other 2! ), but you know what?  Maybe he’s happy now and can finally let us be happy.  I hope so.


So, things are far from bad.  Just some stupid-shit at work mostly… but I don’t think that’s it.  I just feel antsy and almost stagnant.  I just have to find something else I want to tackle.  Improving my credit (and saving money) isn’t enough of an obstacle.  I think I just need to set some new goals to work towards, and find another way to deal with the stress from work so it continues to stay out of my home life.  Eh, I’ll come up with something.  Winter’s coming… that leaves a lot of time indoors to putter around and work towards goals.